Gimme a minute, I got some things I need to get off my chest

Things that I should have said to my exes

1) No, you weren't my first.

2) Sorry, I'm just not feeling you anymore. Yes, I'm seeing someone else. Yes, I already started. Technically its not cheating...I was  already done, you just didn't know.

3) Grown men should not be wearing briefs.... especially not with leopard prints.

4) The "jack rabbit" is not an acceptable form of lovemaking after age 25. Learn a new technique.

5) It is not ok that you only have one more class to complete to earn your degree but you're here talking about being a professional radio personality and wondering when you're gonna make it....that sounds stupid to me!

Things that I should have said to fellow passengers on the train.

1) Your spatial perception must be off because your ass is way too big to fit in that seat. 

2) It is not ok for your ass to be caressing my ass, I don't care how packed the train is.

3) MEN: Because you have a schlong between your legs it doesn't give you leeway to occupy two seats. Your genitalia doesn't require special treatment from the MTA.

4) If my head is down, if my headphones are in my ear, if I'm reading a book, if all three occur at the same time..take a hint...I do not want to talk about the wonderful weather we're having or how slow the train is today....and yes...it is cold enough for me.

5) To the hot guy in the seat in front of me...hey ;-) My name is Lynn, wonderful weather we're having huh?

3 Things I should have said to my teachers

1) I totally plagiarized that paper.

2) I'm only taking this class for the easy A, I don't really need to know how to do a downward dog and the garland pose...except for sex. (Just so you know, I didn't miss one class ;-) )

3) Thank you Prof. Darling!!! I really loved my African American History classes. (NO, I'm not a total cynic)

Prof. Marsha J. Tyson Darling

Things I want to say to my five year old son.

1) Don't take relationship advice from your dad, he is not as smooth as he seems. Trust me. Don't fall for the hype.

2) You already have everything you need to make a girl fall for you....a nice smile and good manners.

3) The day you start acting like a player is the day I will disown you. 

4) You didn't hear this from me, but, if you decide not to attend college right away its ok. But this is just between you and me.