I LOVE talking to guys and girls about relationships; sex, cheating, expectations etc. I think it is so hilarious the different things people (men and women) do in relationships in the name of love. Girls talk up a guy with less education or money than we would like, guys hint at their woman's sexual prowess or cooking skills, all the while knowing that our counterparts are mediocre at best. What really stuns me though is the reasoning, the excuses WE women make when the men in our lives fall short of our expectations. Time and time again we see whats happening and all we say is, "its OK, it doesn't matter because I know he loves me" or "it will get better once ______ " or "I can't leave him, he helps me out so much". I have made one (or two) of those statements and as soon as I said them I was a bit shocked that those words actually came out of my mouth. I also see family and friends making some of those statements or similar excuses to justify keeping a shitty boyfriend around. I agree that it does take some time for someone to fully accept that a relationship has become defunct and make the decision to leave. I am fully aware of that process. I believe that if we stop making these frail excuses and listen to ourselves, listen to what the guy is saying that we would cease putting ourselves through these needlessly excruciating decision making processes of leaving the guy and do whats best for us. If you've been dating a guy for less than a year and he asks you for a break or space or some other corny ass synonym, LISTEN to him. He is not asking you to call everyday to make sure he's still interested or text him twice a day to make sure his mother is OK. He doesn't want to talk to you anymore or see you for a significant amount of time. So leave him be. Give him his space. If after a year the guy you're madly in love with can't figure out if you're long term material, then he's not long term material. Take your toothbrush and your headscarf and leave his apartment. Then call your girlfriends and have a little night out. If he calls, set him straight; your time is precious, you don't need to spend it on guys who don't know their elbows from their knees.
One thing I know for sure is that YOU CAN'T CHANGE A GUY. I have tried and failed miserably. But you know what I can change? ME. I can change my behavior. I can change how I respond to his fly by night excuses, his "hold dat" responses. I recently told a friend that my ex used to like to give me things to hold on to. I'd ask him a question, he'd give me an incomplete answer filled with promises and hope for me to HOLD ONTO, but had no substance. Its like he owes me $100 but gives me $20 to hold on to and next month I'll get $20 more...if I'm lucky. In that scenario, I was always waiting. Which is what I see other women doing, always waiting for the man to make good on his promises. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? Just leave already. What are we really getting out of a relationship like that? Worry lines and indigestion. I don't need more worry lines, I have enough coming to me with more important ish.
A guy friend of a friend of mine is in a "long term" relationship with another young woman,who lives in ANOTHER COUNTRY going on FIVE YEARS. Me, always the cynic says, you know he cheating on her. Of course he was, admittedly so, and his reasoning was that he told her to do her "thang" before she left the country. I don't know if the girlfriend is really doing her "thang", but why would you want that setup? I'm a young woman, always up for some fun (when I have a babysitter), why the hell would I be in a long term overseas relationship with a fella that told me to do my "thang"? Unless you don't mind your love doing his "thang" with the entire state of New York and having all the women on his block stare at you when you visit, then good for you. Good for you if you're getting yours too. But most women aren't like that, we find a decent guy and the dating ends. Its all about him.
Being in love with someone is no excuse for acting like you don't have any common sense. My yardstick of reasoning when it comes to relationship has always been, if this was my girlfriend what would I advise her to do? If you can answer that question honestly then you're halfway there, you know what needs to be done. How can you justify remaining in a relationship where you're constantly wanting for more attention, more affection, more respect, more conversation, more substance?
Don't get caught out there with a "Hold dat" guy. Tell him to kiss your ass.......and let him hold dat.
Love is blind...deaf and dumb...and personal. Part of the reason people "talk up" the seemingly undeserved, "make excuses" etc is to submit to the belief that their relationships need to be defined by the parameters of others.
ReplyDeleteOnce they stop using others parameters and as you say listen to themselves and their partner, paths are clear. It may not always be the path another party would think is right, but their own path. Face it, no matter how objective or sympathetic we may consider ourselves a lot of our judgement related to others relationships subconsciously or consciously is influenced by our own.
No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect, and there are a lot of factors external and internal that affect behavior within a relationship. You have to be a little blind, deaf and dumb at times ... not always. Yes there are a lot of "hold dat" guys, but then many women become so cynical of them that they then become "hold dat" girls. Is one better than the other? Not necessarily.
As I read through a lot of these posts, I am forced to come to two conclusions. First, a lot of women are just HORRIBLE at picking men. I am a good one, and I know too many good ones to accept these things as the norm. In every relationship one is in, there is only one thing in common: Yourself. Therefore, if horrible men keep approaching and able to get close, the only common theme between them is the person allowing them to get close.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I am JUST AS HORRIBLE at picking women. This is not me "trying to relate" or anything like that. By my own logic, this must be true, because I cannot relate to the statement "But most women aren't like that, we find a decent guy and the dating ends. Its all about him." My only upside is that I have learned that most women I meet have some sort of connection issue, and since I know this, I can work on me to figure out what exactly about me attracts them and what about me attracts me to them.
This was a great post, Lynn, and I think that we all have to look at our situations from a third-party perspective from time to time and change our own behavior accordingly. If we continually attract and enter romantic endeavors with losers, we are the problem...
But I still can't get behind that whole most women are all about him line.
Al, I really do enjoy reading your responses; you highlight the the things that NO ONE ELSE sees, thank you. I do agree with your first point, that we, women, are horrible at picking men. It takes quite a bit of trial and error for us to get it right, and when the "right" guy does come along there always seem to be something in the way. Of course, I speak from my own experiences, if there are women out there that disagree, please say so. I also like the fact that you state that you are just as horrible at selecting a mate.
ReplyDeleteBut enough of this love fest.....I stand behind my statement that when a woman finds a guy she thinks is THE ONE, she forgets about the other guys in her life, as it should be, and focuses on him. Why would you, the love interest, want it any other way? There are some secure guys that wouldn't mind the ocassional group outting, but unless your other male friends are gay, the guy will always have his ear up listening for anything inappropriate.