I had my first kiss at age 12, and it was truly forgettable. Not because the guy was a bad kisser, but because I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to be doing; where my hands were supposed to be, what my lips and tongue should be doing and how long should it last. In my opinion it was a sloppy kiss....no offense to the guy. As funny as it may sound, I should have done a little bit more research on the topic before engaging in this particular activity.
I feel the same way about dating and marriage and./or shacking-up. Looking back, I think the only thing I would change about my life, my very young life, is being too serious about guys and relationships. I had my first boyfriend at age 12 and needless to say that went no where...I WAS TWELVE!!!!! I professed my love, made googly eyes, did all sorts of childish things and then 9 months later broke up with him because I thought I liked someone else more. Of course, 2 weeks after that break up my eyes had led me to someone else, then someone else, then someone else, then at the age of 14 I met someone else with whom I had a "long distance relationship" for 2 years... he lived 45 minutes away from me. When this relationship ended, I moved to New York, and at age 17 I met guy that I would have a NINE year relationship with...Don't ask....SMH.
I WAS WAY TOO YOUNG TO BE SO SERIOUS. Oh how do I see the error in my ways. I have learned more now in the past few years being single about men and relationships that I did being in one. At the age of 12, what the hell did I know about being in relationship. I liked a guy and I kissed him, and then I saw another guy and kissed him too. Why was there such an obligation to commit at such a young age to one guy, who knew just as much as I did, and probably less about relationships. Why do we feel obligated to a guy we know we're not going to marry? He had no claim on me....again I was 12. I had no mental or emotional capacity to deal with the makings of an adult relationship and mature situations. This is how people's feelings get hurt and we get emotionally scarred, because we mishandle a situation that we are not equipped to deal with. My 12 year old boyfriend used to tell me that I "left his mouth salt"...bad taste for women. I thought that he was taking it a bit too far, cause he seems just fine now. But I understand today what he was trying to say; I could have handled it better. Perhaps, but at such a young age, you're a bit selfish and narrow-minded and your emotions are running wild. Typical 12 year old behavior. I saw a guy I liked and went for it (by that I mean I cheered for him at Inter-col and called him on the phone)
At that age I should have been learning how to socialize, building my relationships with my girlfriends, going to the movies, learning how to play a sport not sucking face...horribly...with a guy that I can barely call a close, personal friend today.
Recently, I heard a YOUNG girl say that she doesn't like dating, that's not how she was raised. That's a load of BS...I bet her mother didn't raise her to be a fool either. You don't have to sleep with them; I am not encouraging you to be promiscuous, what I am doing is suggesting that we slow down a bit and enjoy dating. The most fun I have ever had with guys wasn't until recently. I know now that a date doesn't have to necessarily lead to something and because we like each other doesn't mean we have to be together, and just dating means just dating. I am more equipped right now to choose a mate (but not ready) than I was a few years back...even though I was in a serious relationship.
If I could do it over I wouldn't have a serious boyfriend until I was in my late 20s..yup...that late. I think I needed the experience of DATING different guys to figure out whats best for me and what I want in my life. That's the purpose of dating..and enjoying a young man's company.
What do you think? At what age is it OK to start "going steady" with someone? Is it about age or emotional maturity? Should you date a few guys AT THE SAME TIME before you decide to commit to one and eventually marry that person? Why is not OK for young women to be "serial daters"? How are we supposed to select the best mate if we don't experience a few knuckleheads first? This is probably the reason why women are so bad at choosing the right mate, we settle too quickly and don't experience a few good men before making that binding decision. Sound off....
Well you know I feel the same way. We were way too young to be all so serious. But I do believe it is how we grew up. Our society doesn't view "dating" as the way to go...as a girl that "dates"' you are viewed as a slut. "Yuh got too many boyfriends!" But moving away from my shelter upbringing I saw the benefit of dating in order to figure out what it is you want in that soulmate; that life partner!
ReplyDeleteIf I could do things differently I certainly would as well!
Im always totally disturbed by children's PDA, like a couple i saw smooching at the bus stop with their little sister standing by. Wish I catch my child in the street like that, bussing they tail all the way home. I was always perplexed by the hardcore couples in JHS, holding hands and making out in the hallway. Never could understand why they thought it was ok to be so serious or even if they had the capacity to comprehend the depth of a relationship at their age. Im a grown woman, who have had few serious relationships, but have been exposed to many men. I know what I like and don't like, what I expect and have learned a lot about myself in regards to a relationship. I have been single for 7 years and I am very comfortable in my skin, I don't yearn for a man, cus I'm thoroughly aware on how to make myself happy. Don't get me wrong, I have friends and family in my life, and the want for companionship is never and issue. Maybe as get I much older....*shrugs* I sometimes think some men my age arent ready to go steady seriously. Then there are the older ones... Just because u told me that u want to have a family with me and live happily ever after, doesn't make me scared, it makes me pull out my spidey senses to know that u aren't my right fit. Maybe u will be when I'm much older...*shrugs* Anywho, my bestie married his JHS sweetheart as adults, and has spent all these years sowing his wild oats, while perpetrating a perfect relationship and marriage. Great guy, but this is what ur younger years are for, to figure urself out, ur young adolescent brain haven't got a clue!!! And I'm done.
ReplyDeleteOops my comment on here never posted. oh well here goes again. I think we do get ideas that we know all there is to know about relationships and love way too young, and with the society, schools, parents etc we were emerged in rather that openly exploring it was often a more taboo subject. I don't think I was really interested in a relationship at twelve but I remember having my first memorable crush during my 12 year old summer at a computer class. One of my classmates a the 17 year old son of a judge with GORGEOUS eyes, and I love eyes. I was too shy to ever approach him about it but I always tried to sit next to him, talk to him, hang out with his group at lunch ... they were probably thinking why on earth this little kid keeps following us lol. Added to that there was apparently a healthy crush/love circle going on in that class. My crush had his crush on the instructor, a shapely probably 24 year old. She seemed to have her eyes on the instructor of another class who apparently had either a girlfriend or wife and was always uncomfortable in her presence. Plus another classmate my age had a crush on me but I didn't even notice till he pointed it out about 7 years later when we met again in NY. Oops. Sorry I only had eyes my Mr handsome eyes, my introduction to an interest in guys who's names start with R. After that summer, I hardly ever saw Mr nice eyes again, but I always remembered my crush.
ReplyDeleteFrom then till about 16 I had crushes, others who expressed interest, and a couple silly moments, lots of friends who were male, but it was exasperating with everyone trying to decide what I should and should not be allowed to do and not really the primary interest at that time to have a boyfriend. I had too many things to do, too little time, too many subjects, groups etc etc. So it was not till after high school that I really did, and I think I wad ready...but circumstances, different goals etc lead us separate ways.
I do admire though couple who grew into "coupledom" after long childhood friendships. Even if they do not work out as couples there is an underlying friendship that I think can never die.
I don't think there is a particular age you suddenly arrive at emotional maturity. It is different for each person and a complement of the other factors in your life. Some are ready earlier than others, some are never ready.
THIS IS WHY GOD WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO HAVE A DAUGHTER!!!
ReplyDeleteIf I had a child - male or female, but especially female - that was dating before Jewish tradition says they have matured, I would kill them, whoever they were dating, and the person's parents. Allowing a 12 year old child to engage is any romantic or romantic-leading encounters is disgusting.
Dating is a serious problem, and it is only compounded by youth. I reject the argument that one has to test the waters to see what he/she likes. Let's face it: If you're LUCKY, all but one of your relationships is gonna fail, suck, or come to an end. The more relationships you are in, the more failures you put yourself through, and the more reasons you have to become bitter. Being in that many bad relationships taints the way you look at potential mates. You've been hurt before. You've been cheated on before. You've been neglected before. You've had too many "jack rabbits" or "dead fish" before. To start this process of disappointment EARLIER for the choice that you're gonna find the ONE RELATIONSHIP that works is insane.
Personally, I don't believe anyone should even start the process until they are legally allowed to go see a Rated R movie without parental consent. And even then, relationships are not something to dwell upon. Yes, dating and relationships are necessary evils, and you have to be in the game to win the game. However, one should tread lightly. Firstly, by dating multiple people at the same time, nobody gets your full attention. If you only give half your attention to a physics test, you fail. How are relationships or dating different? Secondly, dating is a screening process, and people should not take that long to screen to see their compatibility. Sure, nobody can know all the nuances quickly, but the general requirements should be pretty obvious. Finally, dating and relationships are only a step on the way to finding the one you want to spend your life with. Unfortunately, too many people use these as status symbols. How many guys can a girl get to pay for dinner in a week. How many women can a guy string along without getting caught and for how long? None of these fulfill the true purpose of dating.
If I had to sum up all my thoughts into one word, it would be: "UGH!!!" LOL
You seem to a bit more passionate than I am on this topic, just a tad more, but we seem to agree on the more important points. Dating I agree should be later in a young person's life, for all the reasons I mentioned above.
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