What is it that constitutes a good friendship? the bond? Being able to be there for one another with no strings attached? Or is it how much secrets you know about each other? Since I started this blog and my women's group, I'm Loving Me on FaceBook. I would say that there is a few small details about my life that the general public and some of my friends were made aware of that they didn't know before, but that doesn't mean we're tight; I still don't know you, you still don't know me.
Someone close to me recently said that she and her best friend don't feel the need to divulge every bit of information about themselves and she doesn't ask about her friend's relationships...at all...ever. Weird right? Is it weird that you would consider someone your BFF and not feel the need to know how their love life is going? Or have them even ask you how things are going? I do not believe that you should share everything with a person in order to have a solid relationship, but sharing should be important. But if course, there are the people...FRIENDS that cross the line.
Ever had a friend who would get upset if you didn't tell her something that is clearly none of her business? Or go around making inquires about you because you she just can't let shit go? Or worse, the friend that heard the rumor but comes to you acting like she doesn't know whats going on, but tries to bait you and get answer to questions that you didn't realise were being asked? Yeah....those aren't friends. Those people are reporters. They come around for the juicy tidbits about your life, become overly concerned about how you're going to handle the situation and then disappear when shit hits the fan. Then they come back later sniffing around when there's more information to be gathered. Everyone likes a juicy story, that's why we have a Facebook account, we watch the entertainment stories and buy the $3 tabloid magazines; our ears perk up when there's dirt to be heard. But some take it to too far.
One of my closest friends recently let me into some very private information about her life, and all I could think about was damn, howcome no one ever saw this coming? You know why? She kept her mouth shut. As close as we are, she felt the need to protect herself from the gossip mongers and deal with her issues in private. For someone else, they might have felt offended that such juicy information wasn't shared earlier and that they were purposefully kept out of the loop. Well, if you feel that way, you're probably right. No one likes a Budinsky or a Busy Body.
The people that start or encourage rumors have serious issues, all of which can be diagnosed using the DSM IV TR (the handbook that professionals use to diagnose the mentally ill). When you spread information to the detriment of others but to your benefit it constitutes a situation that needs to a addressed my a mental health professional. If your sole daily purpose is to "maco" people, and investigate situations that doesn't and shouldn't concern you, I would suggest that you move to California, purchase a camera and establish yourself professionally.
To conclude, the people that know me well, will tell you I never have juicy information, I never know whats going on in the deeply personal lives of others, unless you tell me directly. I just don't pay attention. The thing that binds me to my girlfriends is not the many secrets that we share, but the fact that they all know that I have their backs, and they have mine. A good friendship is made when I know that I can trust you and vice versa, I don't need you know my entire life story. That is just too damn close.
Poignant, true and to the point Lynn! Each friendship has to find its own rhythm and yes there are some that share every single mundane detail as well as those that sometimes truly show that they are more than just mere acquaintances only when needed. Personalities and situations all evolve differently. Some people have unspoken bonds forged through shared experiences etc and are quite happy without a daily, weekly or even monthly call, text etc but are there at a heartbeat in times of need, special occasions etc. Friends need to understand each others personalities and respect them.
ReplyDeleteI especially like your comment about a close friend sharing some aspects of her life, and though you were totally surprised, you responded like a friend and respected her need or choice to keep private even from you. Others who reacted differently as you said wondering if they were deliberately left out and feeling offended, chose to put their hurt pride at being out of the loop over the value of their friendship with the other person. A true friend whenever they find out may exclaim "you should have told me, and even if slightly hurt' get over it quickly enough to say you have your reasons and I respect you for it.
Funny enough just recently I had a similar thought related to friends and family reaction to certain personal things. I saw the distinct difference between those who may have felt left out on some decisions and said so TO ME and were ok with it after, and those who felt left out, felt the need to find out from everyone else who else was also left out and who was not, share opinions near and far as to why, and then ignore addressing the issue directly with ME, or only make round about comments waiting to see if I would address the issue. Many of these same people who feign offense at not being my first call do not hesitate to leave me as last call if the situation is reversed. Friendships go two ways.
Especially with twins who are doing everything at or around the same stage, it is now a nearly subconscious activity to note distinct differences in reactions situations dependent of who is involved.
I also like the your statement "the thing that binds me to my girlfriends is not the many secrets that we share, but the fact that they all know that I have their backs, and they have mine. " I completely agree. I have friends that have shared personal things with me and not one of them can honestly claim that I have been a spreader of their business. I've not always had the same done with mine. However, I have others who I do not know many aspects of their life, and that is fine, that is their choice and I have to respect that, our friendship should be based on more than that. If the only thing keeping you as my friend or you as mine if the knowledge that I have secrets of yours and you of mine then that is not really a friendship. We see those mutually parasitic relationships often blown up when the sh*t hits the fan and the "friends" then turn from guarding each other's secrets to trying to best each other at exposing them and running down each other.
Thanks Nathifa!
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