12 year old lovers

I had my first kiss at age 12, and it was truly forgettable. Not because the guy was a bad kisser, but because I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to be doing; where my hands were supposed to be, what my lips and tongue should be doing and how long should it last. In my opinion it was a sloppy kiss....no offense to the guy. As funny as it may sound, I should have done a little bit more research on the topic before engaging in this particular activity.

 I feel the same way about dating and marriage and./or shacking-up. Looking back, I think the only thing I would change about my life, my very young life, is being too serious about guys and relationships. I had my first boyfriend at age 12 and needless to say that went no where...I WAS TWELVE!!!!! I professed my love, made googly eyes, did all sorts of childish things and then 9 months later broke up with him because I thought I liked someone else more. Of course, 2 weeks after that break up my eyes had led me to someone else, then someone else, then someone else, then at the age of 14 I met someone else with whom I had a "long distance relationship" for 2 years... he lived 45 minutes away from me. When this relationship ended, I moved to New York, and at age 17 I met guy that I would have a NINE year relationship with...Don't ask....SMH.

I WAS WAY TOO YOUNG TO BE SO SERIOUS. Oh how do I see the error in my ways. I have learned more now in the past few years being single about men and relationships that I did being in one. At the age of 12, what the hell did I know about being in relationship. I liked a guy and I kissed him, and then I saw another guy and kissed him too. Why was there such an obligation to commit at such a young age to one guy, who knew just as much as I did, and probably less about relationships. Why do we feel obligated to a guy we know we're not going to marry? He had no claim on me....again I was 12. I had no mental or emotional capacity to deal with the makings of an adult relationship and mature situations. This is how people's feelings get hurt and we get emotionally scarred, because we mishandle a situation that we are not equipped to deal with. My 12 year old boyfriend used to tell me that I "left his mouth salt"...bad taste for women. I thought that he was taking it a bit too far, cause he seems just fine now. But I understand today what he was trying to say; I could have handled it better. Perhaps, but at such a young age, you're a bit selfish and narrow-minded and your emotions are running wild. Typical 12 year old behavior. I saw a guy I liked and went for it (by that I mean I cheered for him at Inter-col and called him on the phone)

At that age I should have been learning how to socialize, building my relationships with my girlfriends, going to the movies, learning how to play a sport not sucking face...horribly...with a guy that I can barely call a close, personal friend today.

Recently, I heard a YOUNG girl say that she doesn't like dating, that's not how she was raised. That's a load of BS...I bet her mother didn't raise her to be a fool either. You don't have to sleep with them; I am not encouraging you to be promiscuous, what I am doing is suggesting that we slow down a bit and enjoy dating. The most fun I have ever had with guys wasn't until recently. I know now that a date doesn't have to necessarily lead to something and because we like each other doesn't mean we have to be together, and just dating means just dating. I am more equipped right now to choose a mate (but not ready) than I was a few years back...even though I was in a serious relationship.

If I could do it over I wouldn't have a serious boyfriend until I was in my late 20s..yup...that late. I think I needed the experience of DATING different guys to figure out whats best for me and what I want in my life. That's the purpose of dating..and enjoying a young man's company.

What do you think? At what age is it OK to start "going steady" with someone? Is it about age or emotional maturity? Should you date a few guys AT THE SAME TIME before you decide to commit to one and eventually marry that person? Why is not OK for young women to be "serial daters"? How are we supposed to select the best mate if we don't experience a few knuckleheads first? This is probably the reason why women are so bad at choosing the right mate, we settle too quickly and don't experience a few good men before making that binding decision. Sound off....

All up in my Kool-Aid

What is it that constitutes a good friendship? the bond? Being able to be there for one another with no strings attached? Or is it how much secrets you know about each other? Since I started this blog and my women's group, I'm Loving Me on FaceBook. I would say that there is a few small details about my life that the general public and some of my friends were made aware of that they didn't know before, but that doesn't mean we're tight; I still don't know you, you still don't know me.

Someone close to me recently said that she and her best friend don't feel the need to divulge every bit of information about themselves and she doesn't ask about her friend's relationships...at all...ever. Weird right? Is it weird that you would consider someone your BFF and not feel the need to know how their love life is going?  Or have them even ask you how things are going?  I do not believe that you should share everything with a person in order to have a solid relationship, but sharing should be important. But if course, there are the people...FRIENDS that cross the line.

Ever had a friend who would get upset if you didn't tell her something that is clearly none of her business? Or go around making inquires about you because you she just can't let shit go? Or worse, the friend that heard the rumor but comes to you acting like she doesn't know whats going on, but tries to bait you and get answer to questions that you didn't realise were being asked? Yeah....those aren't friends. Those people are reporters. They come around for the juicy tidbits about your life, become overly concerned about how you're going to handle the situation and then disappear when shit hits the fan. Then they come back later sniffing around when there's more information to be gathered. Everyone likes a juicy story, that's why we have a Facebook account, we watch the entertainment stories and buy the $3 tabloid magazines; our ears perk up when there's dirt to be heard. But some take it to too far.

One of my closest friends recently let me into some very private information about her life, and all I could think about was damn, howcome no one ever saw this coming? You know why? She kept her mouth shut. As close as we are, she felt the need to protect herself from the gossip mongers and deal with her issues in private. For someone else, they might have felt offended that such juicy information wasn't shared earlier and that they were purposefully kept out of the loop. Well, if you feel that way, you're probably right. No one likes a Budinsky or a Busy Body.

The people that start or encourage rumors have serious issues, all of which can be diagnosed using the DSM IV TR (the handbook that professionals use to diagnose the mentally ill). When you spread information to the detriment of others but to your benefit it constitutes a situation that needs to a addressed my a mental health professional. If your sole daily purpose is to "maco" people, and investigate situations that doesn't and shouldn't concern you, I would suggest that you move to California, purchase a camera and establish yourself professionally.

To conclude, the people that know me well, will tell you I never have juicy information, I never know whats going on in the deeply personal lives of others, unless you tell me directly. I just don't pay attention. The thing that binds me to my girlfriends is not the many secrets that we share, but the fact that they all know that I have their backs, and they have mine. A good friendship is made when I know that I can trust you and vice versa, I don't need you know my entire life story. That is just too damn close.

I got a J.O.B.....company shrink!

Thank you God!!! Its a part time position over an hour away and the pay sucks (I made more my first year out of college), but I'm relieved that now I can have a little something to help take care of my family and possibly see a movie once in a while (not too often though, a movie ticket is $13.50!!!)  I had orientation and started training last week, it was all sooo much fun. The highlight of the week was two employees who couldn't wait to dish to me on EVERYBODY in the building and vent their angst. The first was the Older Lady who's been there forever, lets call her Ms. A. SHE HAS ISSUES. Before I could even put my pocket book down and hang up my jacket she laid it out for me; about the owners, Administrators, supervisors, and then proceeded to tell me about everybody in the building who LOVES her and who she cannot work with, who's "chicken shit", lazy and who as issues with her. It was like she has been waiting for me all her life to tell me every little sordid detail about the different employees. Between each little anecdote she stopped briefly to inform me about what is expected of me ( in her eyes nothing, because we get paid so little) and how to complete certain forms. Later she fell asleep at her chair, body slumped, head to the side, mouth gaping wide. She woke up briefly to tell me that she is allowed (Seriously???) and that no one really minds cause she's a HARD WORKER. HAHAHAHA Even I know that is a load of crap. The funny thing is, later that day I ran into two people that told me to stay clear of her and not get caught up in her drama, it is interesting to note that these were the two people that she told me has issues with her.....I LOVE IT!!! THEN...after my day with her she says to me very seriously, if the supervisor asks you how I did, please tell her I did a good job, I don't want anything negative to be said about me. I simply responded that I'll tell her what happened. I didn't have to, the next day the supervisor apologised to me for leaving me with Ms. A as she knows she can a bit "overwhelming". No shit!

The next day, I worked with a different assistant, and was given completely different information about my job duties, which I expected, Ms. A doesn't have a clue about assisting or how to maneuver herself in a workplace, except of course to order the free meals for employees and to take advantage of every perk the company offers...those she was absolutely correct about. At least she stays awake for something. Then it got me thinking, I really hope this is how she does her job, because, it wouldn't be hard to show her up and get attention for my HARD work, and get more hours. ANYTHING would be an improvement on what she does.

A couple days later, without even asking, I got the dutty, dutty, dutty low down about the intimate relationships of the different workers from the security guard. Apparently, my coworkers like to keep it in the family. My 8 hour day turned into an eight hour counseling session, as it turned out the poor fella has women issues. Then of course, because I'm fresh meat, he subtly tried to make a move in my direction. I quickly informed him that I was married (not true) with a son. However, that didn't work because he likes a challenge; my security guard bought me lunch. If I had know that all I had to do was tell a guy I was married to get a free meal I would have used that a long time ago.

My first week was very interesting, I hope it gets less interesting as I really don't want to hear about who's sleeping with who (well maybe a little bit), abnd who's chicken shit. If it doesn't at least I'll be putting my psych degree and counselling skills to use so it won't be a total waste.

Love is blind...deaf and dumb.

I LOVE talking to guys and girls about relationships; sex, cheating, expectations etc. I think it is so hilarious the different things people (men and women) do in relationships in the name of love. Girls talk up a guy with less education or money than we would like, guys hint at their woman's sexual prowess or cooking skills, all the while knowing that our counterparts are mediocre at best. What really stuns me though is the reasoning, the excuses WE women make when the men in our lives fall short of our expectations. Time and time again we see whats happening and all we say is, "its OK, it doesn't matter because I know he loves me" or "it will get better once ______ " or "I can't leave him, he helps me out so much". I have made one (or two) of those statements and as soon as I said them I was a bit shocked that those words actually came out of my mouth. I also see family and friends making some of those statements or similar excuses to justify keeping a shitty boyfriend around. I agree that it does take some time for someone to fully accept that a relationship has become defunct and make the decision to leave. I am fully aware of that process.

I believe that if we stop making these frail excuses and listen to ourselves, listen to what the guy is saying that we would cease putting ourselves through these needlessly excruciating decision making processes of leaving the guy and do whats best for us. If you've been dating a guy for less than a year and he asks you for a break or space or some other corny ass synonym, LISTEN to him. He is not asking you to call everyday to make sure he's still interested or text him twice a day to make sure his mother is OK. He doesn't want to talk to you anymore or see you for a significant amount of time. So leave him be. Give him his space. If after a year the guy you're madly in love with can't figure out if you're long term material, then he's not long term material. Take your toothbrush and your headscarf and leave his apartment. Then call your girlfriends and have a little night out. If he calls, set him straight; your time is precious, you don't need to spend it on guys who don't know their elbows from their knees.

One thing I know for sure is that YOU CAN'T CHANGE A GUY. I have tried and failed miserably. But you know what I can change? ME. I can change my behavior. I can change how I respond to his fly by night excuses, his "hold dat" responses. I recently told a friend that my ex used to like to give me things to hold on to. I'd ask him a question, he'd give me an incomplete answer filled with promises and hope for me to HOLD ONTO, but had no substance. Its like he owes me $100 but gives me $20 to hold on to and next month I'll get $20 more...if I'm lucky. In that scenario, I was always waiting. Which is what I see other women doing, always waiting for the man to make good on his promises. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? Just leave already. What are we really getting out of a relationship like that? Worry lines and indigestion. I don't need more worry lines, I have enough coming to me with more important ish.

A guy friend of a friend of mine is in a "long term" relationship with another young woman,who lives in ANOTHER COUNTRY going on FIVE YEARS. Me, always the cynic says, you know he cheating on her. Of course he was, admittedly so, and his reasoning was that he told her to do her "thang" before she left the country. I don't know if the girlfriend is really doing her "thang", but why would you want that setup? I'm a young woman, always up for some fun (when I have a babysitter), why the hell would I be in a long term overseas relationship with a fella that told me to do my "thang"? Unless you don't mind your love doing his "thang" with the entire state of New York and having all the women on his block stare at you when you visit, then good for you. Good for you if you're getting yours too. But most women aren't like that, we find a decent guy and the dating ends. Its all about him.

Being in love with someone is no excuse for acting like you don't have any common sense. My yardstick of reasoning when it comes to relationship has always been, if this was my girlfriend what would I advise her to do? If you can answer that question honestly then you're halfway there, you know what needs to be done. How can you justify remaining in a relationship where you're constantly wanting for more attention, more affection, more respect, more conversation, more substance?



Don't get caught out there with a "Hold dat" guy. Tell him to kiss your ass.......and let him hold dat.