In a better place

This past week my family suffered two deaths. One of them was quite sudden and shook me up for a while. Being the person that I am, I did not immediately take to FB and share my out pour of grief or call up friends so that I can boo-hoo over the matter. Instead I stayed in my room for about thirty minutes and did my own version grieving. Being that I'm from a small community some people inevitably found out and TEXTED or called me to send their condolences. I am uncomfortable with death when it happens to others, I never know what to say or how to share my sympathies. Its like this awkward moment and you're expected to say something poignant, deep, helpful. I usually say nothing and just hang around waiting for the family of the deceased to ask for something so that I can be the first to get it to show that I am here if she/he needs me. But now that the shoe is on the other foot I have found it quite ANNOYING and THOUGHTLESS to have people who barely know me or my family share their infinite wisdom in FIVE words "She's/He's in a better place"!!! WTF does that mean?? Yeah I get it, we're hoping the person that person gets to live an eternal life of bliss with our maker, but what if that person was a royal jackass? We all know where they're possibly going? But better yet...this statement does not make anyone feel better. I do not feel any better. If anyone can tell me WHERE this place is ...with certainty i'll relent. What place would be better than here with his loved ones, eating, drinking, having a good time with family and friends. For now all i know that the other place is six feet under in a box...that is not better.


And another thing, if you're going to come to the wake WITHOUT FOOD/DRINK please do not sit in the corner talking about how the deceased brought this on herself or talking about the other family members, its just in poor taste. So you might as well don't show up at all.


And....please if I'm still grieving two weeks later, do not call incessantly or bully your way through my front trying to get me to go see a movie. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE A MOVIE! My grief is mine, when I feel like going to see a movie I'll go. People forget what their role is during this time; its not to make sense of the situation or help me feel better, but to be a friend and that means being there for me when I need you. 




P.S. Please don't text me your condolences, if we really are friends, I would appreciate your phone call.

Strong woman or weak wife?

For the past week I was deeply enthralled in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and once I began reading I had one thought, I WOULD NOT MAKE A GOOD SUBMISSIVE. This just doesn't apply to BDSM (Bondage Dominance and Submission Masochism) but in regular relationship situations. I am definitively not a "yes" person; I need to know the hows, whys and ifs behind everything request or thought. What about you ladies? How submissive are you to your partners? Are you strong enough to put your convictions aside and let him take control? And why is it so hard for us give up that control? We married the guy why not let him take control? How far does your trust extend?

Personally, this is something I know I need to work on because I have huge issues with relinquishing control over parts of my life. But why? Relationships are made of constant compromise, and it takes a strong person to say OK, I'll allow you to have this or take care of this and I'll wait. Or, during a argument both parties cannot win, someone has to say OK you win and walk away in order for the argument to end. I have seen men do this quite a bit, as they know if they don't admit they were wrong and submit to the woman, the argument could go on forever and as a result he wouldn't get any loving for possibly the rest of the week. They do this to have a good nights rest and regain some quiet in the home and possibly let her be happy thinking she won the argument. As women, how often do we take the road less traveled and say "you're right" or "I'm sorry" just to keep the peace and keep things flowing?

On another note, how about SERVING your man, the essence of submitting? I agree that after a long day at work, coming home to a very active 5 year old and making dinner while doing the laundry the last thing on our mind is giving our men a foot rub...especially if he's watching TV while you're slaving in the kitchen. But, what if we forget the laundry for one night and rub his feet, massage his back wear those crotch less panties that he likes? He might be more amenable to doing the laundry the next day. I'm not saying bribe him with sex, I'm saying please your man, comfort him and perhaps he might say "Damn, she cooks, she cleans let me show her some appreciation by loading the wash". Its called compromise; you serve him and he serves you.

I remember years ago, when an older female friend asked me if I ever cooked for my boyfriend at the time, I said "Oh hell no!" Why would I cook for him, we're just boyfriend and girlfriend. All I kept hearing was my mother in my ear "hmm, you better watch dem little boys and dem. All dey want is one ting." I was being so vigilant, trying to look at everything, making sure he didn't "get one over on me" that I was being a less than perfect girlfriend. He always came over, always took me wherever I needed I needed to be without me having to ask, made sure I got to work on time....But I never cooked him dinner, I never offered to pay for the gas in the car, and I never freely gave him a foot rub. I was accepting all the things he did for me as just a part of us being together and all he needed was my thanks and good company. To show my appreciation I spent more weekends at my mother's house and learned to cook different dishes. He was very appreciative.

Are we women brainwashed into thinking that if we give a little of ourselves in a relationship that the man will take advantage of our vulnerability? There is always that possibility in all relationships, but if we don't give, just even a little, there's a better chance that a good man may walk away and find someone who will rub his back and cook his dinner. 

What are your thoughts, does it take a strong woman to submit to the needs of her partner? 

P.S....in search for pictures for this post, I looked for woman giving a foot rub, and there was none. Instead I found several pictures with men rubbing women's feet. Just saying.

Southern Hospitality....Needed up North

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Last month I visited my friend Kelli and her family in Orlando, Fla for some me time. And I got a lot. Silly me, I was thinking Orlando would be comparable to Miami in terms of the party life. I was sadly mistaken. There were fun things to do like visit the Orlando Studios, home of Harry Potter and Downtown Disney, home of...well everything Disney. We did have fun though especially when we took in some live reggae music at a night club/restaurant/bar called Bob Marley's, where I fell in love for ten minutes when I saw a gorgeous young man. If you know me at all, you'd know that by then end of the night I was already thinking about something else. My love never lingers for long. It was a fun trip, Kelli and her family did their best to make me feel welcome and got to meet her two rambunctious kids. 

Loving me at Downtown Disney

One thing that will FOREVER stick with me is the fact that Kelli's husband, a modern, hip young man by all definitions, had such gentlemanly ways. He never let us carry our bags or open our doors, and was so darn patient. I was dumbfounded. It was so nice to be treated like a lady and have someone patiently wait on you while you're getting dressed and not say "hurry up" or "I'm leaving in 5 minutes with or without you" I know what you must be saying... Who have you been dating? or Where the hell do you live? I live in Brooklyn, NY, one of the hardest places to find a suitable mate for any sex. I asked my friend, Kelli about it and she told me that her husband has always been like this, and that's just who he is. Kelli went on to say that its a southern thing, and it got me thinking.....I have been out with a few men, two of them with deep southern roots. One of them, my friend Al, has ALWAYS open my doors, made sure I was on the "inside" when walking in public and he NEVER splits the bill even when I suggested that we hang out. But I never noticed that until I went to Orlando and came back to NY. I was so used to the un-gentleman Brooklyn ways, I remember asking myself once when Al came to pick me up and rung my door bell, my stupid behind said (to myself) why is he ringing my bell, he should should call the phone. SMH...this is what happens when you're used to horrible treatment; you expect it because its what you're used to. 

Me and girl, Kelli at Bob Marley's

 

The character, Mya in Think Like A Man, the motion picture had it right. We, women should be expecting, and waiting for our potential suitors, to open our doors and carry our bags and do the gentlemanly thing whenever possible. Its not that we think we're "too special" but as a man, that's just what you do. You take care of a woman, and show her you think that she's worthy by doing these little things for her. Some women might get left on the curbside once or twice but it would definitely weed out the undesirables.

I know SOME men might say that not all women are deserving of this type of treatment, but you're wrong. We all are, we may not act like it, but ALL woman want some thought and effort put into an outing, and we all want to be treated like we're an Ethiopian Empress. Treat a "hard" woman right, and she'll soften up, if she doesn't then you may want to exit that relationship. 

From now on....I'm looking for men who grew up in the Carolinas, Virginia, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama.