Trust issues or just issues?

I recently had the displeasure of someone close to me telling that they do no trust me. While I was endeared by their attempt at honesty, I was deeply and completely hurt. When I asked this person, B.. why? what is it they felt that I had done, B. recalled a 4 1/2 year old incident that I thought was already dealt with and long forgotten. Apparently I was wrong and B was watching my every move waiting for me to slip up.

I listened carefully to B, to everything he said about the OLD incident, but what stood out for me was that not only was he still hurt, but there hasn't been anything recent to prove me untrustworthy, he was still hanging on to old feelings of hurt. My statement then was, "You're choosing not to trust me."

Some people may take offense to this statement, and say that trust is earned and all that PC stuff, which may be accurate, but how long does the other person have to repay this debt? How long  should the offender wait before he is deemed trustworthy again? If there are no additional offenses and the offended party chose to continue the relationship, what do you need to make things better? Repeated sincere apologies? DONE. Acts of contrition? DONE. Spontaneous but thoughtful gifts? DONE.

True, a time limit on regaining some one's trust seems "not right", but there should be an expectation that the day will arrive. In my case, a year seemed quited apt. Whether its a friend that has done you wrong, or a boy/girlfriend, if you cannot seem to find that person trustworthy again, then its time to re-evaluate the relationship and perhaps downgrade the friendship or breakup.

In some cases, and I have seen it from some of my girlfriends, perhaps the reason you can't seem to trust him/her again is because you see the person differently and no longer wish to be tethered to the relationship OR you have set your sights on someone else who seem to have those trustworthy qualities. In relationships, we put each other on pedestals that are just so ridiculously unattainable, that one hint of a flaw in our partners and we run for the hills and shout all manner of things. We just can't seem to reconcile the idea of the person and the reality of the person.

It is extremely difficult, for a relationship to recover from infidelity, but THE BIGGGEST issue is not trust, but the change that occurs; the dynamics of the relationship will never be the same. One person sees the other differently and both act and react differently to each other as a result. The issue here is not trust but a change in perspective, a loss of naivete. The question then becomes, can I live with this new found perspective within the relationship?

How can you choose to trust someone? Just let them in. Whatever type of relationship you have, if you would like to keep it and keep the person in your life then trust them. Believe that they're sorry, and that they want to make things right, reposition the pedestal (so that they dont fall as often) and let them make it right ( they do have to show some remorse). You're not going to magically find trust with your arms crossed and a stiff upper lip. Let your guard down and let trust in. This does take time, however, and won't happen over night. Regardless of what Cosmo says, relationships are hard work even it if is with the right guy/gal. If this route isn't for you then you should probably move on.