In August 1998, aged 17, I wrote my "Manifest Destiny". In 2008, ten years later, I opened the envelope that the letter was sealed in and began reading. I quickly began laughing because the things that 17 year old Lynn expected was so idealistic; not impossible, but incredibly innocent and naive. In my "manifest destiny", not only had I detailed what I would study in college, how many degrees I'd have, what career I'd have, when I would get married and start a family but also what car I'd own...a RAV 4 (at the time I thought RAV 4 was a hot car and I would look so sexy driving it).
As idealistic as my "Manifest Destiny" was, it definitely shun a spotlight on certain areas of my life that I had neglected. I definitely was not happy with what was before me and I decided to tackle ONE of the areas. I quickly saw that taking on such efforts would prove time consuming and tiring. I'm far from 17, with a RAMBUNCTIOUS toddler, a full time job and less "extra" money to put into pursuing my dream of being a child psychologist. In addition to not being a child psychologist, as I had started out doing, I had no husband and definitely no RAV 4.
As idealistic as 17 year old Lynn was, she got a lot of things right; education, career, family. I am much more cynical than I was at 17 to even consider some of the idealistic notions that I had written, but again, my sudden realisation that I had some catching up to do made me uneasy. AND THAT WAS THREE YEARS AGO, and then some. After being dissatisfied and frustrated by my shortcomings. I made a new "Manifest Destiny", but with a less intimidating title. My wants were the same; education career, family. Whats funny is that while I was focusing on finishing up on my masters, it wasn't going so well, but my career was climbing and things at home seemed to be settling (still no husband or boyfriend, but my son was flourishing and I was becoming a better mom). Today, the only thing that seems to be going well is my son, my family. At times it seems that I have lost control.
The things I want are still attainable, but I was going about it the wrong way. I needed a different approach. I needed to start from scratch; scrap all plans and just try something different. The way I was doing things just didn't seem to be working. Starting ALL OVER again is going to take much longer than I had ever anticipated and I'm still coming to terms with that, but I have deceived that the length of time it takes to achieve my goals and success is not as important as the order in which they are achieved or as important as actually achieving them. At 17 years old I was still listening to EVERYONE in regards to how things should be done. Most Caribbean people, including myself, have traditional views of achieving success; go to school, study your books, get a good education, get a good paying job and then find yourself a husband and start a family. At 31, and halfway there, I can see this traditional ideal can no longer work. I have to listen to me. I have to be flexible and open to different things and new opportunities.
It takes a lot to admit my failures, or shortcomings, but when I do, after a considerable period of depression, I'm determined to make things better; to try again, to see if I can succeed. I have a running list of things that I'd like to accomplish. Today I'm focused on Education and career (again!) With both areas at a stall, I'm back to the drawing board. Trying to find a temporary way to make a living and provide for my family until I'm doctor Williams. So for now I'm taking small steps towards that goal hoping I get there. Maybe 17 year old Lynn can be happy with that.
Lynn this is a powerful submission and one that many can identify with whether or not they choose to admit it to themselves or others. I identify with it, I had similar goals (not including the RAV4) at that age, and a similar idealism. I am still idealistic in many ways, but realistic and comfortable enough in my own skin and circumstance at this point to realize that I never want to loose that idealism, hope and bright eyed look to the future as I would be loving a vital part of me. I am not rewriting my "Manifest Destiny" simply reworking and modifying it to accommodate the changes along the journey.
ReplyDeleteThe order I set for my goals at that bright eyed time when the world seemed completely mine for the taking in my manner of choosing have gone out of pattern in some ways. But the new pattern is even more interesting. They have been some pretty bad parts, but it makes the good ones even better. The bad parts have also helped me to be less indecisive and more committed to my dreams and goals rather than satisfying those of the people around me based often on their own selfish reasons.
Some of my changes include, so i'm ABD on my Dissertation, rather than done and titled, that's fine with me I'll get around to it when I, not anyone else, is ready.
Certain parts of my job especially pay could be better, that's OK, I have a wonderful team above and below me that make my working experience enjoyable if not overly profitable, and flexible enough to pursue many of my sideline passions.
So my wedding and childbirths did not occur in the order and manner I hoped for.That's ok, I'm a wife and mother of 3 remarkable children and enjoying my family even more because of the ups and downs we have been through.
I no longer do and care about what others may want me to do or not do and that "I don't give a ..." attitudes is one of the best decisions I have made and kept me truest to my manifest destiny.
I don't go back to the drawing board when I'm stalled or my design seems ruined, instead like on an old Caillou episode where blue paint was spilt on a picture of a sunny day, I modify the picture to use the blemish and make raindrops with a rainbow in the background.
Thank you. It felt important for me to get this out as I felt that I didn't want the people to assume that I have it all together. I'm still very much in the "under construction" stage in my life and when I look at ALL the things I want, sometimes I think that my life will forever be "under construction".
ReplyDeleteBut I'm glad that you can relate, sometimes its so easy to feel alone in this situation. That's why it's good to share, and I'm so HAPPY that I started this blog and our group. I'm awed that you took your time to write such a lengthy response too...lol and quite appreciative.
"All together" is a state of mind. One of Newton's laws state "All things tend to Chaos". Its true. Your should always be under some form of construction, just decide whether its constant repairs or new expansions and additions. I like the latter.
ReplyDeleteAgreed Nathifa.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you though Lynn - for having the courage to put into words what most of us are afraid to admit even to ourselves.
I can definitely relate- for quite a while I was quite despondent because I felt like I wasn't where I should be. I definitely did not figure any of my current situation into my lifeplan! Ultimately though I realise that I am where I am meant to be.
I believe myself to be a good mother, and I hopefully am a good life partner( me and those heebie jeebies!). There are still things that I would like to accomplish but I know now that I have to regroup and try to find another way..
We're always evolving, the key is to realise and accept it.