Women traditionally are a force of nature, we take a lot of bullshit from our bosses, our mothers, our kids and our husbands/boyfriends. We take time mulling over every decision, taking a stand, putting our foot down and leaving a situation that is no longer beneficial or that is harmful to us. But when we do finally leave, there's no telling us to go back. When our minds are thoroughly made up, there's no going back. We may act civil and polite to the culprits that once put us in that situation, but trust me, we are always have one eye open.
Domestic violence/teenage abuse are taboo subjects even for women, As I type, I'm trying to find a way to phrase everything so that this doesn't scare or offend anyone. What I am concerned about is that once a woman who has been abused by her boyfriend/husband, after counseling and getting to a place in a life where she feels at ease walking out the door, socialising with men again and even may be polite to her abuser (if they share a family/kids) how far should she go? After a significant amount of time (this may take years or never) should they socialise together?
In light of the Rihanna-Chris Brown remixes on their respective albums, I am a bit taken a back. I enjoy Rihanna's music just as much as I enjoy Chris Brown's, but the lyrics to Rihanna's song, Birthday Cake are very racy, and listening to Chris sing that he wants to "F**k her" and "lick the icing off" sent chills through me. He may have plead guilty, attended his anger management classes, completed (early) his community service, commended by the Judge assigned to his case, all of which I applaud him for, I believe that the lyrics are inappropriate in this situation. Its obvious that Rihanna is over the whole thing, that's her business. However, what I am again concerned about is that her eyes are not open.
A guy I dated pulled my arm so hard once, I was actively ignoring him and he was trying to get my attention, that it left a black and blue mark on my arm for weeks. He apologised, we broke things off , but we ran in the same circles so I saw him regularly. Compared to what Rihanna and so many other women and young girls, suffered this is nothing, but for weeks. every time he came near, I would automatically fold my arms and take a step back. Can you imagine being beaten so badly that you're hospitalised and now you have to work with this person??
The memory of being beaten, the fear of it happening again, or how you felt while being abused is bad enough, but then having to relive the event every time you see the person's face is horrifying and debilitating to some. I'm all about forgiveness for everyone. We all need a second chance. But are we sending a bad message to our younger counterparts by allowing the person to remain an active part of our lives? What about if you share a child with this person? How far should the forgiveness extend? Rihanna and Chris Brown weren't married, didn't have a child together, if they see each other at functions or become each other's TWEEPLES (twitter friends) that's OK, but singing racy love songs? I think that's too much.
I am concerned that for women and younger girls wondering if they made the right decision by leaving, because they're now lonely, missing their ex-boyfriend/husband and he has been doing a seemingly good job at being apologetic and affectionate that they can return to the relationship. I can't say whether or not they should, only that in 2011 in NY there were 92 family related homicides (http://www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/downloads/pdf/2011_annual_dv_factsheet.pdf) this includes both the women being abused and the children were killed as result of the violence in the home.
Is it possible to separate the deed from the man? forgive the man but not the deed? I don't know. I just know, you should keep your eyes open. Statistics say he would hit again if he hit once before, but there are exceptions to every rule. Be smart and look for the red flags.... http://www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/downloads/pdf/23_Warning_Signs_of_an_Abusive_Partner.pdf
http://www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/downloads/pdf/ta_educational_brochure.pdf
Love yourself!
I am against domestic abuse, but I am also of the standpoint that it is a gray area, not a black and white one. Is there an appropriate time for an abused woman to feel comfortable with her “abuser”, it really depends on the situation. Most abuse starts to take place long before violence, and society is hypocritical in that many avid denouncers of violence against women, promote, facilitate, partake in the same abuse they decry when it becomes public and physical…and many women themselves. With the Chris/Rihanna situation, both parties need to evaluate what happened individually, and the all knowing public need to sometimes curb their judgement of what they perceive to be the story. Chris was wrong point blank. Did it ever happen before? There are rumors both ways. Will it ever happen again with anyone? Hopefully never. Was he ever on the receiving end of similar that didn’t land him in hospital like it did to her? Again rumor both ways. Only both parties know the full stories, not those who now rage with support for one and scorn for the other.
ReplyDeleteAnother public situation was with Whitney and Bobby plus the fact that they were actually husband and wife with a child together. Bobby has been demonized based on their joint struggles with substance and a publicized incident of him hitting her. Whitney herself in an interview claimed that it was a singular incident from a situation spun out of control and influenced by his being a “bad drunk”. She called him her “drug”, said they did everything together, and indicated that her retaliation in that incident left him more wounded and it never dared happen. She seemed to be move on from it but the media and even her family had its scapegoat to blame for her decline and self destruction, perhaps contributing to their final split, and as controversial as it may seem, he still in her life might have been the one to get better with her since he was also at the bottom with her.
There is abuse, and there are benign situations that escalate and lead to regrettable actions. Every woman and man who had an altercation does not equal an abusive situation. In a mixed primary school setting flaring tempers may cause boy/girl classmates to fight and that’s all there was to it. Even as adults childish primal behavior supersedes reason and the actions that occur from the same basal instincts are no more than that. Yes adults should know better, but sometimes people need to stay out the situation if they were not involved. Many a woman is guilty of abusing men but men are even more ashamed to publicize or seek help. There are often cases when the shame coupled with the guilt lead to retaliation and the man strikes back, that woman then seeks sympathy for her abuse. Of course not all cases are like that and there are plenty nasty individuals out there who take pride in abusing women, I am not condoning either but saying that situations cannot be painted with a broad brush.
Too bad, the situations where there is actual abuse are the ones that do not come out until it is actually too late. Not only because of the fear of the individual but also the pressure that the “abused” faces from peers, family etc, for not coming out before, from them expanding the situation beyond what it is and other factors that do not help the people involved. This is a passionate topic for me, because over the last couple years I have seen many situations extremely exaggerated, deliberately miscommunicated, and delightfully gossiped over and formed into what persons external to the situations were comfortable acknowledging, sharing and repackaging to their or those close to them’s benefits. As an outsider looking in it is easy to become philosophical and judgmental and swear the “if I was in that situation I would do X, Y, Z”… only to completely back track when the situations become more personal.
Thanks for your comment, Afihtan. You're absolutely correct in stating that this issue is a gray area. As outsiders, no matter how much we information we are given about a particular situation, there is always some element that is left unaddressed or unsaid. In the Rihanna/Chris brown incident, that idea becomes a bit more clear now. I just hope for other women who are in similar cases and seeking help that their need for assistance and safety supersedes their shame and fear.
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