Women traditionally are a force of nature, we take a lot of bullshit from our bosses, our mothers, our kids and our husbands/boyfriends. We take time mulling over every decision, taking a stand, putting our foot down and leaving a situation that is no longer beneficial or that is harmful to us. But when we do finally leave, there's no telling us to go back. When our minds are thoroughly made up, there's no going back. We may act civil and polite to the culprits that once put us in that situation, but trust me, we are always have one eye open.
Domestic violence/teenage abuse are taboo subjects even for women, As I type, I'm trying to find a way to phrase everything so that this doesn't scare or offend anyone. What I am concerned about is that once a woman who has been abused by her boyfriend/husband, after counseling and getting to a place in a life where she feels at ease walking out the door, socialising with men again and even may be polite to her abuser (if they share a family/kids) how far should she go? After a significant amount of time (this may take years or never) should they socialise together?
In light of the Rihanna-Chris Brown remixes on their respective albums, I am a bit taken a back. I enjoy Rihanna's music just as much as I enjoy Chris Brown's, but the lyrics to Rihanna's song, Birthday Cake are very racy, and listening to Chris sing that he wants to "F**k her" and "lick the icing off" sent chills through me. He may have plead guilty, attended his anger management classes, completed (early) his community service, commended by the Judge assigned to his case, all of which I applaud him for, I believe that the lyrics are inappropriate in this situation. Its obvious that Rihanna is over the whole thing, that's her business. However, what I am again concerned about is that her eyes are not open.
A guy I dated pulled my arm so hard once, I was actively ignoring him and he was trying to get my attention, that it left a black and blue mark on my arm for weeks. He apologised, we broke things off , but we ran in the same circles so I saw him regularly. Compared to what Rihanna and so many other women and young girls, suffered this is nothing, but for weeks. every time he came near, I would automatically fold my arms and take a step back. Can you imagine being beaten so badly that you're hospitalised and now you have to work with this person??
The memory of being beaten, the fear of it happening again, or how you felt while being abused is bad enough, but then having to relive the event every time you see the person's face is horrifying and debilitating to some. I'm all about forgiveness for everyone. We all need a second chance. But are we sending a bad message to our younger counterparts by allowing the person to remain an active part of our lives? What about if you share a child with this person? How far should the forgiveness extend? Rihanna and Chris Brown weren't married, didn't have a child together, if they see each other at functions or become each other's TWEEPLES (twitter friends) that's OK, but singing racy love songs? I think that's too much.
I am concerned that for women and younger girls wondering if they made the right decision by leaving, because they're now lonely, missing their ex-boyfriend/husband and he has been doing a seemingly good job at being apologetic and affectionate that they can return to the relationship. I can't say whether or not they should, only that in 2011 in NY there were 92 family related homicides (http://www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/downloads/pdf/2011_annual_dv_factsheet.pdf) this includes both the women being abused and the children were killed as result of the violence in the home.
Is it possible to separate the deed from the man? forgive the man but not the deed? I don't know. I just know, you should keep your eyes open. Statistics say he would hit again if he hit once before, but there are exceptions to every rule. Be smart and look for the red flags.... http://www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/downloads/pdf/23_Warning_Signs_of_an_Abusive_Partner.pdf
http://www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/downloads/pdf/ta_educational_brochure.pdf
Love yourself!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My Manifest Destiny
In August 1998, aged 17, I wrote my "Manifest Destiny". In 2008, ten years later, I opened the envelope that the letter was sealed in and began reading. I quickly began laughing because the things that 17 year old Lynn expected was so idealistic; not impossible, but incredibly innocent and naive. In my "manifest destiny", not only had I detailed what I would study in college, how many degrees I'd have, what career I'd have, when I would get married and start a family but also what car I'd own...a RAV 4 (at the time I thought RAV 4 was a hot car and I would look so sexy driving it).
As idealistic as my "Manifest Destiny" was, it definitely shun a spotlight on certain areas of my life that I had neglected. I definitely was not happy with what was before me and I decided to tackle ONE of the areas. I quickly saw that taking on such efforts would prove time consuming and tiring. I'm far from 17, with a RAMBUNCTIOUS toddler, a full time job and less "extra" money to put into pursuing my dream of being a child psychologist. In addition to not being a child psychologist, as I had started out doing, I had no husband and definitely no RAV 4.
As idealistic as 17 year old Lynn was, she got a lot of things right; education, career, family. I am much more cynical than I was at 17 to even consider some of the idealistic notions that I had written, but again, my sudden realisation that I had some catching up to do made me uneasy. AND THAT WAS THREE YEARS AGO, and then some. After being dissatisfied and frustrated by my shortcomings. I made a new "Manifest Destiny", but with a less intimidating title. My wants were the same; education career, family. Whats funny is that while I was focusing on finishing up on my masters, it wasn't going so well, but my career was climbing and things at home seemed to be settling (still no husband or boyfriend, but my son was flourishing and I was becoming a better mom). Today, the only thing that seems to be going well is my son, my family. At times it seems that I have lost control.
The things I want are still attainable, but I was going about it the wrong way. I needed a different approach. I needed to start from scratch; scrap all plans and just try something different. The way I was doing things just didn't seem to be working. Starting ALL OVER again is going to take much longer than I had ever anticipated and I'm still coming to terms with that, but I have deceived that the length of time it takes to achieve my goals and success is not as important as the order in which they are achieved or as important as actually achieving them. At 17 years old I was still listening to EVERYONE in regards to how things should be done. Most Caribbean people, including myself, have traditional views of achieving success; go to school, study your books, get a good education, get a good paying job and then find yourself a husband and start a family. At 31, and halfway there, I can see this traditional ideal can no longer work. I have to listen to me. I have to be flexible and open to different things and new opportunities.
It takes a lot to admit my failures, or shortcomings, but when I do, after a considerable period of depression, I'm determined to make things better; to try again, to see if I can succeed. I have a running list of things that I'd like to accomplish. Today I'm focused on Education and career (again!) With both areas at a stall, I'm back to the drawing board. Trying to find a temporary way to make a living and provide for my family until I'm doctor Williams. So for now I'm taking small steps towards that goal hoping I get there. Maybe 17 year old Lynn can be happy with that.
As idealistic as my "Manifest Destiny" was, it definitely shun a spotlight on certain areas of my life that I had neglected. I definitely was not happy with what was before me and I decided to tackle ONE of the areas. I quickly saw that taking on such efforts would prove time consuming and tiring. I'm far from 17, with a RAMBUNCTIOUS toddler, a full time job and less "extra" money to put into pursuing my dream of being a child psychologist. In addition to not being a child psychologist, as I had started out doing, I had no husband and definitely no RAV 4.
As idealistic as 17 year old Lynn was, she got a lot of things right; education, career, family. I am much more cynical than I was at 17 to even consider some of the idealistic notions that I had written, but again, my sudden realisation that I had some catching up to do made me uneasy. AND THAT WAS THREE YEARS AGO, and then some. After being dissatisfied and frustrated by my shortcomings. I made a new "Manifest Destiny", but with a less intimidating title. My wants were the same; education career, family. Whats funny is that while I was focusing on finishing up on my masters, it wasn't going so well, but my career was climbing and things at home seemed to be settling (still no husband or boyfriend, but my son was flourishing and I was becoming a better mom). Today, the only thing that seems to be going well is my son, my family. At times it seems that I have lost control.
The things I want are still attainable, but I was going about it the wrong way. I needed a different approach. I needed to start from scratch; scrap all plans and just try something different. The way I was doing things just didn't seem to be working. Starting ALL OVER again is going to take much longer than I had ever anticipated and I'm still coming to terms with that, but I have deceived that the length of time it takes to achieve my goals and success is not as important as the order in which they are achieved or as important as actually achieving them. At 17 years old I was still listening to EVERYONE in regards to how things should be done. Most Caribbean people, including myself, have traditional views of achieving success; go to school, study your books, get a good education, get a good paying job and then find yourself a husband and start a family. At 31, and halfway there, I can see this traditional ideal can no longer work. I have to listen to me. I have to be flexible and open to different things and new opportunities.
It takes a lot to admit my failures, or shortcomings, but when I do, after a considerable period of depression, I'm determined to make things better; to try again, to see if I can succeed. I have a running list of things that I'd like to accomplish. Today I'm focused on Education and career (again!) With both areas at a stall, I'm back to the drawing board. Trying to find a temporary way to make a living and provide for my family until I'm doctor Williams. So for now I'm taking small steps towards that goal hoping I get there. Maybe 17 year old Lynn can be happy with that.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Trust issues or just issues?
I recently had the displeasure of someone close to me telling that they do no trust me. While I was endeared by their attempt at honesty, I was deeply and completely hurt. When I asked this person, B.. why? what is it they felt that I had done, B. recalled a 4 1/2 year old incident that I thought was already dealt with and long forgotten. Apparently I was wrong and B was watching my every move waiting for me to slip up.
I listened carefully to B, to everything he said about the OLD incident, but what stood out for me was that not only was he still hurt, but there hasn't been anything recent to prove me untrustworthy, he was still hanging on to old feelings of hurt. My statement then was, "You're choosing not to trust me."
Some people may take offense to this statement, and say that trust is earned and all that PC stuff, which may be accurate, but how long does the other person have to repay this debt? How long should the offender wait before he is deemed trustworthy again? If there are no additional offenses and the offended party chose to continue the relationship, what do you need to make things better? Repeated sincere apologies? DONE. Acts of contrition? DONE. Spontaneous but thoughtful gifts? DONE.
True, a time limit on regaining some one's trust seems "not right", but there should be an expectation that the day will arrive. In my case, a year seemed quited apt. Whether its a friend that has done you wrong, or a boy/girlfriend, if you cannot seem to find that person trustworthy again, then its time to re-evaluate the relationship and perhaps downgrade the friendship or breakup.
In some cases, and I have seen it from some of my girlfriends, perhaps the reason you can't seem to trust him/her again is because you see the person differently and no longer wish to be tethered to the relationship OR you have set your sights on someone else who seem to have those trustworthy qualities. In relationships, we put each other on pedestals that are just so ridiculously unattainable, that one hint of a flaw in our partners and we run for the hills and shout all manner of things. We just can't seem to reconcile the idea of the person and the reality of the person.
It is extremely difficult, for a relationship to recover from infidelity, but THE BIGGGEST issue is not trust, but the change that occurs; the dynamics of the relationship will never be the same. One person sees the other differently and both act and react differently to each other as a result. The issue here is not trust but a change in perspective, a loss of naivete. The question then becomes, can I live with this new found perspective within the relationship?
How can you choose to trust someone? Just let them in. Whatever type of relationship you have, if you would like to keep it and keep the person in your life then trust them. Believe that they're sorry, and that they want to make things right, reposition the pedestal (so that they dont fall as often) and let them make it right ( they do have to show some remorse). You're not going to magically find trust with your arms crossed and a stiff upper lip. Let your guard down and let trust in. This does take time, however, and won't happen over night. Regardless of what Cosmo says, relationships are hard work even it if is with the right guy/gal. If this route isn't for you then you should probably move on.
I listened carefully to B, to everything he said about the OLD incident, but what stood out for me was that not only was he still hurt, but there hasn't been anything recent to prove me untrustworthy, he was still hanging on to old feelings of hurt. My statement then was, "You're choosing not to trust me."
Some people may take offense to this statement, and say that trust is earned and all that PC stuff, which may be accurate, but how long does the other person have to repay this debt? How long should the offender wait before he is deemed trustworthy again? If there are no additional offenses and the offended party chose to continue the relationship, what do you need to make things better? Repeated sincere apologies? DONE. Acts of contrition? DONE. Spontaneous but thoughtful gifts? DONE.
True, a time limit on regaining some one's trust seems "not right", but there should be an expectation that the day will arrive. In my case, a year seemed quited apt. Whether its a friend that has done you wrong, or a boy/girlfriend, if you cannot seem to find that person trustworthy again, then its time to re-evaluate the relationship and perhaps downgrade the friendship or breakup.
In some cases, and I have seen it from some of my girlfriends, perhaps the reason you can't seem to trust him/her again is because you see the person differently and no longer wish to be tethered to the relationship OR you have set your sights on someone else who seem to have those trustworthy qualities. In relationships, we put each other on pedestals that are just so ridiculously unattainable, that one hint of a flaw in our partners and we run for the hills and shout all manner of things. We just can't seem to reconcile the idea of the person and the reality of the person.
It is extremely difficult, for a relationship to recover from infidelity, but THE BIGGGEST issue is not trust, but the change that occurs; the dynamics of the relationship will never be the same. One person sees the other differently and both act and react differently to each other as a result. The issue here is not trust but a change in perspective, a loss of naivete. The question then becomes, can I live with this new found perspective within the relationship?
How can you choose to trust someone? Just let them in. Whatever type of relationship you have, if you would like to keep it and keep the person in your life then trust them. Believe that they're sorry, and that they want to make things right, reposition the pedestal (so that they dont fall as often) and let them make it right ( they do have to show some remorse). You're not going to magically find trust with your arms crossed and a stiff upper lip. Let your guard down and let trust in. This does take time, however, and won't happen over night. Regardless of what Cosmo says, relationships are hard work even it if is with the right guy/gal. If this route isn't for you then you should probably move on.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)