Have you ever thought that maybe love can be a choice? I was thinking about that today. Can you choose to love or not to be in love with someone? How much control do you have over love? Is it like choosing to be happy in the face of difficult circumstances? Sometimes when things get so tough, its easy to just sit and wallow in your sadness, but then you say hey you know what, this sucks but I can still be happy about other things in my life. Maybe love is like that; if the circumstances are right, meaning if the other person is treating you well, showing you the affection you think you deserve, and tells you that they want to spend the rest of their life with you. Can you say this is good for me? I need this kind of a relationship and even though I am not there yet, I want to be there, and I want to be there with you. Sometimes, when you watch movies of folks who were matched by their families' they say that at first they weren't in love with their spouse or they loved another, but as time went on, they grew to mutually respect each other and respect bore affection and then a deep love for each other. Can love grow like that in real life? Can you pick when to love or who to love?

Conversely, can you choose not to love someone or when to fall out of love with someone? In the same manner of you saying I want o be in love with his person, can you say he or she is all wrong for me, I do not want to fall in love with him. You can choose not to socialize or communicate with his person anymore, and that might stop deeper feelings from developing, but if you're already in love, how effective can that mind set be? Or does time have a huge part to play in this? How much time do you need to fall out love? If you've known someone for a year versus ten years, does it take a shorter amount of time to fall out of love, or does it depend on the depth of feelings you had for that person? I remember Watching a Sex In the city Episode where Charlotte had a formula for the amount of time she was supposed to have to grieve a relationship, it was half the time of the length of the relationship. So for instance if you were in a ten year relationship it would take you 5 years to get over that person. That seems like a friggin long ass time to be grieving an asshole. Which is why I'm thinking if you want to fall out  of love, and not go through all the tears, depression, weigh gain/loss, rebound guys you should be able to just by saying he's a jackass, i don't love you anymore. And that should be that. It doesn't help you to get over someone if you're constantly thinking about the good times, that's counterproductive. A relationship ends for a reason, whether it was a mutual decision or not; when it ends move on.

The more you think about something, the more it becomes true. Just ask a pathological liar, they tell so many lies so often, they cant figure out the truth themselves. Its like customizing your mind, gearing your self yourself to be feel and be a certain way...it becomes habitual.Not loving, or loving someone becomes you.

What do you guys think? Can you condition yourself to love or not to be in love with someone? Should we just let our selves feel whatever comes our way and not be cognizant about choices over our love life? Is this at all possible?

Make Me Feel Good...Say Nice Things.

I was reading an article recently that mentioned if we (women) don't feel loved or supported then it affects other areas of our lives (relationships, work, school). The article goes on to say that African American women are the most undervalued group of women in the U.S. and are often the most stressed out. I sat and I thought about that point for a minute and came to the conclusion that this does have some merit. I don't know about you, but in my culture/household, this is what support looks like; "...that don't fit you right...why you buying clothes that fit you so..." repeated with utter disdain spread across the face, or "...I'll help you with...but I need $20" What kind of support is that? The people in my culture seemingly have extreme difficulty expressing their thoughts, love, support in a more accepting manner as it may make them them soft or vulnerable. What they might tell you in response to this is that they were not brought up this way or the ever popular, "don't bring eggs to rock stone dance", meaning you either toughen up or don't come around with your emotional shit! The women in my culture, mostly, are seemingly very strong minded, strong willed and very strong backed. We might be characterized as loud, demeaning, threatening. All of this I believe to be facade or untrue. But that's a different topic for a another blog.I just want one person in their lives to tell them its ok to let those walls down just a bit. Not everyone in your life needs to have their head snapped off, and that there is a way to talk to people without complete disdain and disregard in your voice. People want to be encouraged, supported, loved in different ways. If you really want to help someone out, find out what THEY NEED and HOW THEY WOULD LIKE it packaged. Don't offer your support, advice, love, encouragement how you see fit or pretty soon the only people that will be left in your midst would be people just like you...loud opinionated and un-supportive. But please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that you should lie or sugar coat everything, I'm saying...Be Nice. Showing someone you love, support them makes them feel better about themselves, boosts their self-esteem. Why wouldn't you want to help your friend, sister, mom etc feel better about them selves? What about you? Do you have difficulty offering your support in a way that may leave you vulnerable?

Feminists VS The Silly Ho'

I am all for GIRL POWER, and for women claiming the right to wear what they want, style their hair the way they please, have relationships with who they want, and having a family or not. Your personal choices are your own business, and no one should have the right to tell you or suggest otherwise. What gets under my skin is OTHER WOMEN ridiculing or passing judgement on a specific group of women, i.e.,  the group that is not like them.

Why is it that because you can rock a 'fro you must judge women who rock the doobie? Or because you you know where to get your vintage items at the Flea market you make fun of the girl that loves her Juicy Couture sweats  Or because you smell like Shea Butter and Coconut oil and she smells like Chanel No. 5 means that she can't engage in a conversation just as competently as you can?. Why are her morals, beliefs, education, ethics, thoughts, lifestyle any less important than yours?

I see both kinds of women as strong individuals able to carve out their own individuality while still being capable of fighting against "The Man". We don't need to wear "Jesus Sandals" and African Printed skirts, peasant blouses and a 'fro to be taken seriously. If you think the woman fabulously dressed in high end designer wear rocking her chemical relaxer and pumps is silly or can't be taken seriously then you are the one in need of a perspective adjustment.

Tihana Nemcic, 24, Head Coach of
 Men's Soccer team in Croatia

I was browsing through some comments that a group of women made about a picture of a woman in heels and a miniskirt, kicking a soccer ball. I immediately thought that the woman, Tihana Nemcic, was talented; to be able to balance herself in heels, a miniskirt while show casing her athletic capabilities (she's the first female coach of an a men's soccer team in Croatia), however, two of the the comments were very disappointing. While Ms. Nemcic is attractive and obviously fit, she was criticized for wearing heels and her physical appearance. The ladies commenting missed the point of the picture entirely and took nothing away except a sexual image. What about her contribution to the sport? And her advancement for the women in Croatia? By   belittling the picture and this woman's achievement, they have opened the way for some other ass to say women don't belong on an athletic field but in beauty pageants, and exposed their own insecurity about being attractive and athletic and a positive role model all at the same time.

 This woman in the picture proves that all are possible.

Tihana Nemcic

There is no Feminist Purity test, there is no test that proves that you're either for us or against us. you choose to live your life the best way you can to advance yourself, and by doing that you become your own litmus test. You prove that you can do whatever you want while wearing what ever you choose and no loud mouthed insecure tunnel visioned coward can say otherwise.

I live my life solely for my own happiness.  No one makes my decisions and imposes their thoughts or beliefs on me. I am my own woman.

P.S....Did I mention Ms.Nemcic is only 24?!?!?!

My hiatus is over...

Hey there my faithful readers (I say hopefully)...I would love to tell you awesome stories of mt summer adventures at some exotic getaway or about how I won the Mega Millions (still dreaming), but I can't because this summer was spent was spent WORKING!!!!...on WEEKENDS!!!!! I say this grudgingly because it messed up summer plans and and often work was chosen over a girls night of debauchery...oh well. It worked out however, I got a wee bit of a promotion and my weekends are now MINE...BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! 

 This summer was quite interesting though, especially with the summer Olympics I must say though that after watching the Olympics I got a bit jealous of the legs on some of these girls..and their six packs...take a look at the Team USA's 4X400 meter women's relay team.....CHISELED!

 ... people acting like they got no sense...that guy from Colorado that shot up the movie theatre and killed 12 people, injuring several others. A nut case.  

..and didya hear? KStew and RPatz broke up? sniff, sniff. oh well, they'll get back together, he'll cheat on her and then they'll get engaged and the day before the wedding they'll call it off. Moving on. 

AND yes...cant wait for this year's Presidential Debates...there's one at Lynn University that I'm particularly looking forward to. I'm drooling in anticipation for Obama to wipe the floor with that other guy.

 My next post will be published quite soon....so stay tuned... no really...like in a day or so....

In a better place

This past week my family suffered two deaths. One of them was quite sudden and shook me up for a while. Being the person that I am, I did not immediately take to FB and share my out pour of grief or call up friends so that I can boo-hoo over the matter. Instead I stayed in my room for about thirty minutes and did my own version grieving. Being that I'm from a small community some people inevitably found out and TEXTED or called me to send their condolences. I am uncomfortable with death when it happens to others, I never know what to say or how to share my sympathies. Its like this awkward moment and you're expected to say something poignant, deep, helpful. I usually say nothing and just hang around waiting for the family of the deceased to ask for something so that I can be the first to get it to show that I am here if she/he needs me. But now that the shoe is on the other foot I have found it quite ANNOYING and THOUGHTLESS to have people who barely know me or my family share their infinite wisdom in FIVE words "She's/He's in a better place"!!! WTF does that mean?? Yeah I get it, we're hoping the person that person gets to live an eternal life of bliss with our maker, but what if that person was a royal jackass? We all know where they're possibly going? But better yet...this statement does not make anyone feel better. I do not feel any better. If anyone can tell me WHERE this place is ...with certainty i'll relent. What place would be better than here with his loved ones, eating, drinking, having a good time with family and friends. For now all i know that the other place is six feet under in a box...that is not better.


And another thing, if you're going to come to the wake WITHOUT FOOD/DRINK please do not sit in the corner talking about how the deceased brought this on herself or talking about the other family members, its just in poor taste. So you might as well don't show up at all.


And....please if I'm still grieving two weeks later, do not call incessantly or bully your way through my front trying to get me to go see a movie. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE A MOVIE! My grief is mine, when I feel like going to see a movie I'll go. People forget what their role is during this time; its not to make sense of the situation or help me feel better, but to be a friend and that means being there for me when I need you. 




P.S. Please don't text me your condolences, if we really are friends, I would appreciate your phone call.

Strong woman or weak wife?

For the past week I was deeply enthralled in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and once I began reading I had one thought, I WOULD NOT MAKE A GOOD SUBMISSIVE. This just doesn't apply to BDSM (Bondage Dominance and Submission Masochism) but in regular relationship situations. I am definitively not a "yes" person; I need to know the hows, whys and ifs behind everything request or thought. What about you ladies? How submissive are you to your partners? Are you strong enough to put your convictions aside and let him take control? And why is it so hard for us give up that control? We married the guy why not let him take control? How far does your trust extend?

Personally, this is something I know I need to work on because I have huge issues with relinquishing control over parts of my life. But why? Relationships are made of constant compromise, and it takes a strong person to say OK, I'll allow you to have this or take care of this and I'll wait. Or, during a argument both parties cannot win, someone has to say OK you win and walk away in order for the argument to end. I have seen men do this quite a bit, as they know if they don't admit they were wrong and submit to the woman, the argument could go on forever and as a result he wouldn't get any loving for possibly the rest of the week. They do this to have a good nights rest and regain some quiet in the home and possibly let her be happy thinking she won the argument. As women, how often do we take the road less traveled and say "you're right" or "I'm sorry" just to keep the peace and keep things flowing?

On another note, how about SERVING your man, the essence of submitting? I agree that after a long day at work, coming home to a very active 5 year old and making dinner while doing the laundry the last thing on our mind is giving our men a foot rub...especially if he's watching TV while you're slaving in the kitchen. But, what if we forget the laundry for one night and rub his feet, massage his back wear those crotch less panties that he likes? He might be more amenable to doing the laundry the next day. I'm not saying bribe him with sex, I'm saying please your man, comfort him and perhaps he might say "Damn, she cooks, she cleans let me show her some appreciation by loading the wash". Its called compromise; you serve him and he serves you.

I remember years ago, when an older female friend asked me if I ever cooked for my boyfriend at the time, I said "Oh hell no!" Why would I cook for him, we're just boyfriend and girlfriend. All I kept hearing was my mother in my ear "hmm, you better watch dem little boys and dem. All dey want is one ting." I was being so vigilant, trying to look at everything, making sure he didn't "get one over on me" that I was being a less than perfect girlfriend. He always came over, always took me wherever I needed I needed to be without me having to ask, made sure I got to work on time....But I never cooked him dinner, I never offered to pay for the gas in the car, and I never freely gave him a foot rub. I was accepting all the things he did for me as just a part of us being together and all he needed was my thanks and good company. To show my appreciation I spent more weekends at my mother's house and learned to cook different dishes. He was very appreciative.

Are we women brainwashed into thinking that if we give a little of ourselves in a relationship that the man will take advantage of our vulnerability? There is always that possibility in all relationships, but if we don't give, just even a little, there's a better chance that a good man may walk away and find someone who will rub his back and cook his dinner. 

What are your thoughts, does it take a strong woman to submit to the needs of her partner? 

P.S....in search for pictures for this post, I looked for woman giving a foot rub, and there was none. Instead I found several pictures with men rubbing women's feet. Just saying.