I was reading an article recently that mentioned if we (women) don't feel loved or supported then it affects other areas of our lives (relationships, work, school). The article goes on to say that African American women are the most undervalued group of women in the U.S. and are often the most stressed out. I sat and I thought about that point for a minute and came to the conclusion that this does have some merit. I don't know about you, but in my culture/household, this is what support looks like; "...that don't fit you right...why you buying clothes that fit you so..." repeated with utter disdain spread across the face, or "...I'll help you with...but I need $20" What kind of support is that? The people in my culture seemingly have extreme difficulty expressing their thoughts, love, support in a more accepting manner as it may make them them soft or vulnerable. What they might tell you in response to this is that they were not brought up this way or the ever popular, "don't bring eggs to rock stone dance", meaning you either toughen up or don't come around with your emotional shit! The women in my culture, mostly, are seemingly very strong minded, strong willed and very strong backed. We might be characterized as loud, demeaning, threatening. All of this I believe to be facade or untrue. But that's a different topic for a another blog.I just want one person in their lives to tell them its ok to let those walls down just a bit. Not everyone in your life needs to have their head snapped off, and that there is a way to talk to people without complete disdain and disregard in your voice. People want to be encouraged, supported, loved in different ways. If you really want to help someone out, find out what THEY NEED and HOW THEY WOULD LIKE it packaged. Don't offer your support, advice, love, encouragement how you see fit or pretty soon the only people that will be left in your midst would be people just like you...loud opinionated and un-supportive. But please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that you should lie or sugar coat everything, I'm saying...Be Nice. Showing someone you love, support them makes them feel better about themselves, boosts their self-esteem. Why wouldn't you want to help your friend, sister, mom etc feel better about them selves? What about you? Do you have difficulty offering your support in a way that may leave you vulnerable?
Besides the fact that I just love that there is a blog entry. I also love and completely agree, empathize with and claim outrage at ...to an extent… the frustrating dichotomy of life and expectations as so called "minority woman".
ReplyDeleteMy mantra as far as help goes matches your statement " If you really want to help someone out, find out what THEY NEED and HOW THEY WOULD LIKE it packaged." and it has gained my lots of contempt, ridicule, and everything but what was needed from many of my all knowing "strong women" friends and family when I needed that unjudgemental help, but different story different day. Still I believe in it wholeheartedly and try my best to offer my own help or lack there of as desired in this manner.
The negative “support” irks me, significantly less than it used to, but it does. I understand and admire the many extraverted examples of “the seemingly very strong minded, strong willed and very strong backed women” our culture has produced. I also am aware of some of the pains many of these women went through to get there and the reason they often want to send their offspring and others dear to them straight to that tough as nails place to “save them from the same pains” BUT it colours their experience and motives for actions a lot more than they are often willing to admit. Each persons life and experience is different, just like their allergies, their colds, their test scores etc --- and each needs to refrain from being so judgemental of someone choosing a different path or set of choices from him/her or her clique.
It is actually a lot easier for most to sympathize or give advice to someone who down than congratulations or best wishes to someone who may have achieved something that felt you didn’t or couldn’t achieve for yourself. And so I think emerges the often less than effusive support of our strongly matriachial and feminine culture.
I think women need to be supported because when your living with someone its a give, take, and compromise relationship. I think if you sugar coat anything your basically lying and you will have to keep lying and the relationship will not be true. I have no problem saying "I don't like that dress on you babe" its natural she may or may not like your decision but your honest but the way you say things to your spouse is how she will feel either disrespected or loved.
ReplyDeleteGTC (Give, Take, & Compromise) is something that is needed in every relationship ....married or not. But if you feel that your always getting a negative vibe from your spouse or he is putting you down from the clothes you wear to the food you cook or even if you feel he may be sugar coating then to me that is not a relationship and its not for you
Now if he says he doesn't like that outfit on you (NEGATIVE) but then flip it and say but remember that outfit you wore when we went out last week .... That's what I like to see u in it makes u stand out.(POSITIVE)